dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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