All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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