Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
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All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
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I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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