my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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