I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
