i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
