I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
