also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
