Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
