dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
