no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
