Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You have to summon your inner elephant
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
