my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
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Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
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I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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