Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
