you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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