After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
