i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
