well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
