I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
