I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
