Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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