i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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