areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
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my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
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If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.