So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
