ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
