im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Pants are for mortals
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
