I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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