Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
only if we run a train.
done.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Randomize
