He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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