I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
