every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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