Only a mothe r could love this liver
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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