When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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