Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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