I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
