I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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