i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
