then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
