My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
