Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
