Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
