Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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