Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
operation have a gay friend backfired
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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