Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
