i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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