I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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