I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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