I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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