Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
