U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
