no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
