I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize