If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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