i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
