I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
