i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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