you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
